Body Positivity

This is a topic I've wanted to talk about for a while now, but I've not been able to find the words. My body type is something that I've struggled with for most of my life, and I've finally reached a point where I'm taking steps towards seeing myself in a positive light.

I know it seems sad that it's taken me so long to get here, but I think the journey was important for me. My first memory of feeling really bad about myself is when I was in fifth grade. I had a crush on this boy at school; he was the "tough, bad boy" type (in eighth grade, he carved a heart onto his chest and poured ink on it to make a tattoo-- what was i thinking?) and I thought I was going to marry him. When he found out about my feelings, he said I was pretty, but too fat for him. I think it's really unfortunate that this little boy's words stuck to me for so long, but they did. Other people have said things about my weight too, but I don't want to focus on what other people have thought about me. The point I'm trying to make is that I was happy with myself until someone else gave me a reason not to be.

I wish that I would have brushed it off. I wasted so much of my time and tears on other people's opinions, and I don't even know those people anymore. I think it's so sad that ten people can tell you you're beautiful, but if one person says you're fat, you're confidence just plummets. Well, maybe not "you", but this was true for me. I tried so hard to get that one person to say I was beautiful, and I just completely lost control.

This isn't something that not many people know about me, but I've struggled with eating disorders a lot in the past. It seemed like the easy way to get the fastest results, and I guess I did get results for a little while. I was just so sad that the results didn't matter anymore; that's what happens when you treat your body horribly. Getting smaller in that way just made me feel worse about myself, and I finally got better. I'm lucky, because not everyone can make it out of that lifestyle. I remember once, I was so upset and I asked someone why I was going through this, and they told me that one day I would meet someone struggling just like I did and I would know how to help them. I think having that thought in mind is what really pushed me to recover. It took a while, but I'm here now, stronger than ever.

Of course, now that my mind is healthy, I want to focus on my body. Not dieting, or hating myself, but treating my body in a way that shows I love it. Eating things that will make me feel good, drinking water, walking (never running, sorry); it's all something that I want to get better at. Not to change my body, but to nurture it. I'm definitely still going to eat ice cream and bread. I just want to do something for myself and not for anyone else, because I love myself.

Thanks for reading. Xx